Quick Improv on Theft (Before I Go To Sleep).

Hand. This is a hand and this is what it can do:
Modify appearance into disappearance. Move objects as if opening gaps where they shouldn't belong.
Ultimately, a thief converts his/her own body into a void, surrending the strict delineations of the body, wiping them out to appease nagging desires or needs. A thief is all boundaries scraped bare. Only the hands and eyes survive. In this way, a thief barters with death (or perhaps immortality). Everytime something is stolen, mortality is expended.

Thievery is the subversive metaphysics.

%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^

An Improv on sand.

Suddenly wide awake as the wind blows in, sand dusting the hollows of my ears. How deep do these caverns go? I can shut out the choking cyclones only for a moment with a finger. The curve of the ear, the delicate desire of the tempting lobe. Nothing: gone. Now my own, invaded by sand, itching in a way I don't like. Will this storm bury us all tonight? A whole party made smooth by minute rubbings during the night? Nothing--not a half-sunk visage, nor remnants of a colossal wreck. We would be silenced in a great sand. Ears, mouths, full, bulked with sand. Voided out entirely, into a greater mass.
What was the point of this journey? Seeking tombs only to find my own? In the gaps of the rock, sticking a probing finger. No point of lighting a lamp now. Used to the dark, can write at night, finding the lines with a fool's instinct. I can even decipher these pitiful scuffles in the morning. At dusk I am happiest, the white tents glowing from their interior lights, blurring their edges in the sand. I think about the warmth of my hearth in my faraway home. Much of it is lost to distracted memory--I can't quite remember all the details. Where does the hall meet the dining room? Is my bedroom door on the left or right? As I try to recall the floorplan of my old home, I forget my worries with my favourite evening hobby:
I write in the dark: the lights on my street are probably flickering on right this instant.

By morning, the wind has left us. My tent has acquired an odd lean: sand lies heavy on one side. I push off the odd weight from the inside of my tent wall like a light corpse.

50 Curses

1. May your telephone never ring except to speak to you of doubt.
2. May the transitional seasons of spring and fall make you uneasy.
3. May you always prefer to stand in the shadows.
4. May your nights and your days never correspond.
5. May you never learn the true value of heartbreak.
6. May your touch leave behind the faint scent of imperviousness.
7. May all your guests keep looking at the clock.
8. May all the books fall off your shelves, and may they henceforth be forever blank.
9. May watching clouds drift in the sky be as dull to you as the most tedious chore.
10. May you never hear the sound of the breeze on a July evening.
11. May all your compassion dry up.
12. May the ocean never surprise or inspire you.
13. May all your questions be already answered.
14. May your guilty pleasures no longer feel guilty.
15. May all your attempts at sensuality fail.
16. May the sight of a frozen river never make you feel lonely.
17. May the sound of your own breath startle you in its apparent desperation.
18. May your romantic notions of life give way to relentless cynicism.
19. May you never understand the value of art.
20. May you never enjoy walking down a busy city sidewalk in winter.
21. May you always resist temptation.
22. May you hear Chopin's Nocturnes and not be moved.
23. May thoughts of the absurdity of the world keep you from rising in the morning.
24. May the flowers you planted grow wild and unmangeable; may they entangle you and never let you go.
25. May you touch a streetlight some evening and insistantly whisper to yourself "I am here now."
26. May you lose yourself in a language that no one wants to understand.
27. May you be forever trapped in the confines of "what if."
28. May your bus be late. May it never remember the way.
29. May you enjoy watching television. May you have time to watch it.
30. May your confidence leave you in the middle of the night, not even leaving a note.
31. May sunlight never pass through your windows.
32. May no one ever trace a line from your throat to your belly button with desiring fingers.
33. May you lose your umbrella somewhere in the library, and may you never recover it.
34. May the principles of mathematics remind you that time is running out.
35. May the pen become foreign to your hand.
36. May entropy always rule over your kitchen.
37. May the glow of candles never remind you of poetry.
38. May the geography of home suddenly become foreign and unwelcome.
39.May the moon haunt you.
40.May strangers be your guides upon your ascent of the mountain that you keep hidden from view.
41.May a photograph of yourself never look you in the eye.
42.May your voice open upon a new continent but yet keep it frustratingly obscured.
43.May the light never go out at night. May it whisper your name until dawn.
44.May that beer that you're drinking invite you to question your motives.
45.May your record skip, lose sight of the notes' composition, and surrender in disgust.
46.May the sound of a passing train always make you silent and introspective and no fun at parties.
47.May the birds outside your window have a scolding look for you.
48.May the falling rain always forget your name when it greets you in the street.
49.May your nights be sleepless and may the woes of your days be not dispersed by the closing of your eyes, or the softening of light.
50.May the world be your oyster. May your passage be inspiring. May you find joy in abundance. May you always be safe.

Saturday October 14th

I offer myself a charm for luck:


(words words words.)

night. the chill is asking for a home.

Let's play a game this evening. I'll compose the rules. Only you must listen carefully. Lay your head on the pillow as i explain. Not a battle for conquest, not a contest of wits. We are all on the same side, moving together as a single matter. The silence here is pleasurable, representing a perfect coalescence, not a disassociation. The boundaries of restriction do not exist as we play, there is no monitor on watch tonight. These rules are palatable; no board to upset, no pieces to organize, define, modify: instead we do this to the very air we breathe. We do this with our unified skin--the body that curves like the globe.
I dare not call this a pastime. There is nothing agreeable about the passing of time: this play of ours brings us closer to death, leaves us in a vulnerable posture. No way to cover up our defects--that's where it always gets in. There are dice involved in this game, of course, but none of the players can operate them. We can hear the sound of them falling, scuttling, again and again. This unseen hand throws well. Is there any reason why you should raise your head from your pillow now?
Deviation: who gives a fuck for this game? I know its in the closet, but i'll be damned if i'm gonna pull it out anytime soon. That silence will have its time soon enough. So, come on.
*********
Something's pressing on my walls, painting the edges of my doors in capillary strokes that give way in the breeze, alive. Damn the sunlight, over and over again.
**********
Ending with a:

Curse: May the forest take you, may you be transformed into a deep, green silence.

October 13th

accolades and tricks sour notes and ambitions, the slash of the pen, the chamber of the page, the turn of the key. To what extent am I a human being? Can a voice with my name matter, be heard, express the ineffable?

Early October, noting the changes.

Taking note of how differently the sun sets as it drifts further away every night. Wishing for the whole world to be enclosed in a bank of snow, just for a while, just to get it out of my face, if just a little.
Imagining a white tent, lit brightly from within, overlooking a city that, for once, is peaceful. Warmth eminates from the glow. Taking a photograph, it only looks more magical. Wanting to hear Ginsburg's "Howl"again, to remember what it once felt like.
How wide off the mark am I?
October is the first month denoting a tangable shift in tone. Scenery drops to a lower frequency; you can hear it in the wind. A red leaf is blown against my side, and I savour the touch; I gently drop it into the current. Watching it go: up up. I love how life moves like this.
Sizing it up. Seeing the white glow at the top of the hill that isn't there, that overlooks a city that marks its territory in my imagination.
The sun sets in a way it never has before. I'm getting tired of surprises.

Thursday Sept. 21 12:18 am

Looking upward, finding orange light and a monolith of cloud that speaks of weight.
I cannot pierce the fundamentals, nor repair this tear across the sky.

Sept. 15th Friday.

Here's small cheer for the waking light. A gentle loathing and sharpening teeth of ambition. The pale blue sun in my eyes. Crucified across a solar cross. I lift this page over my head for refuge.

Sept. 09.06--))))12:35am+++++

Playing. Playing up to the crowd: beating a drum to sound out the script.
Pulling away, the sound of strings played a hundred years ago, ghosts crammed next to the present. The disintegration of time, right here. An era of proximity with ghosts. The nauseating vacuum of lost dimensions.
Reverberation. A sickening blur of fire.

words not mine: "Today, too, i experienced something I hope to understand in a few days. Around my left hand was shining a ring of hazy white flames..."

Tuesday September 5th 10:25 pm (on heliotropism)

Heliotropism as a biological name for the physical bend of desire: the flower's stalk leans in, towards the sun.

Monday September 4, 7:16AM

This is how it works. Here are the schematics. Look at the curvature of the intake. What is production? A tear squeezed out of the body as it suffers. Inspect this device. How does it operate? Look. Look harder. Plug it in. Follow the wires and see where they go. Look into the eyes. Observe the flush of movement. Count the switches along the ribs. Use your fingers, smooth out the skin of the chest. Device. Make the device move, bring it to life: sitting so silent in the dark: a human being. Pressure does not make it move, no harsh words to force it forward. You may wave a hand and something might happen. But until then, you may have to wait. Scroll out the drawings. You are here, but you want to get...here. Follow the lines. It will take you there.
**********
The sun is rising and my gut feels uneven. I plead for clemency.

August 31st, 1am, should be in bed, but, no.

It's my birthday. I am getting older. That's all i'm gonna say about it.

Monday August 28th 11:18

Lift, pull. Cutting yr teeth on the effort.
What can be written? He watches his pen as it slides across the page, making curves, falling leaves, the leaf with your name. The condensation on the page must mean something. Watch, look into it. The muscles of the hand are taut, forearm pulled tight, then: relaxed. Fascinated by the human hand. The way the object is balanced in the crown of the fingers, lifted, caressed, safe in the circle. What does it show? Enclosure, pressure, exclusion, removal, denial, silence, utter quiet, doubt, shuddering in the dark. Is this all there is on this page? Looking around, finding nothing, walking without a map. Verso. Recto. Rolling up the sleeves. My eyes are looking at the sky, counting stars, toying with the ideas of astrology. Where does one meet the other? How does time come into play? The snow, anxious for the enclosure of snow, to walk down a quiet street full of muffling white mass. To walk down the street, and not feel exposed. Warm, safe in the blank cold. My fingers and toes nullified in the freeze. Time will bring all this. What else will it bring? Clap of the hands and the turning of pages, a breeze making motion where there once was one. A voice in the winter, saying a name that I should know. My voice, saying my name, reminding a stranger of something the stranger should recall. The jolt of memory, that sad slow strangulation. What can I ask? What can you answer?
****
Conversation over a small round table for two. The two mugs of coffee sit close.
--what's your name? (How can i get you to share it?)
--how old are you? (Tell me about your past.)
--how can i make you smile/laugh? (Crack the ice in that cruel heart of yours.)
--what do you aspire to? (Where are you headed? Can i follow?)

The mugs empty themselves in time. No one notices.
*****
Lying in the woods at night. Counting leaves above me, black leaves in a dark grey sky. One, a voice, two, a longing, three, excitement, four, worry, five, an organization of words, six, on and on, until the sun comes up again across the hillside. In the morning, I can see my breath and, for once, i don't mind.
****
Remember riding on the bus. Where were you at this time? Was i even remotely human? Was i completely mad, swallowed up by arrogance and solitude? Never really had a home, and wanted it that way. No job, no money, don't know how i scraped it all together, riding south to see..., riding back north again to see..., going out east, off again on again, back to a room barely mine, my essence barely there, the walls papered with stupid, endless typed pages. Mattress on the floor, a blanket my grandmother knit. A record player, guitar, typewriter. Happy existence or sad? Hopeful in its simplicity? Are you near or far in this fatal point of history?
The road at night. That's what i wanted to be. I wrote poetry about the texture of a kiss, a dizziness of saintliness, typing up all night, drinking buckets of cappuccino, burning candles, all alone in the late evening, the house asleep, everyone but me, pretending to coax out the universe through childish fear and theatrics. Theatrics: now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad. No doubt, this may be true, bu play it all out for me.
The last night, we all stayed drunk until morning, walls bare, my future a mix of death and jubilance. Askance, my crooked head, astute, my broken heart, a past i wanted to bash with a stick, but no weapon strong enough. In the morning, walking out into the sun with a sore, bare head, playing a guitar and singing a song, sharpened with impossibly hopeful notes. That much is bearable.
***
Walking onto the stage with a broken arm: a meagre attempt at pathos. Is this the play i have written? Here comes the chorus:

There once was a man from Levine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
it served either sex,
and a bowl to collect all the cream.

The audience sings along. The hero of the plot is wearing a lion's costume in an attempt to frighten away a competing suitor to his lover who is dressed as a sea horse. The lover, unknown to the others, is dressed up as Kaiser Wilhelm and is spouting out endless verse of Schiller:

...The thoughts that rushed across me in that hour,
The words I sang, I'd fain once more invoke;
Within, I felt a new-awakened power,
That each emotion of my bosom spoke.
My soul, long time enchained in sloth's dull bower,
Through all its fetters now triumphant broke,
And brought to light unknown, harmonious numbers,
Which in its deepest depths, had lived in slumbers....

The sun sets on stage, and several people in the audience reach for their handkerchiefs. Satyrs frolic and clamour about the forest. Dionysius howls in delight and drinks with both hands.
***
The clink of glasses in the warmly lit gallery. They come to look, he wanders in, heart beating, looking for a different kind of exhibit. Do i belong here? he thinks. There she is, leaning forward in the chaise lounge, looking at the photograph on the wall. She is wearing a bracelet that he doesn't recognize. He shudders. Where did she get that? He crosses the room and clinks her glass. Cheers. The brush of fingers.
***
The movement of the brush against the skin. Paints his arms orange, fingers blue, dips his head into a bucket of red, splashes white over his heart.
This space desiring inscription. Make me, write me. it says.

He hesitates at the can of black paint.

"Don't make me resort to this," he pleads aloud to his solitude.

Sunday August 27 12:00AM

Des objects d'art. The three jars of pens and pencils, my grandfather's pipe (Ceçi n'est pas une pipe? When I write out "pipe" the question becomes an affirmative statement: this is not a pipe.), my red notebook, the jim dine painting above me, the tibetan prayer flags draped across that, my Da Vinci calendar, my record player to my right, films, records, books. Noise and clutter, silence and order. I throw it all down and commence true tumult.
****
Waiter walks out of the kitchen carrying a tray crammed with clutter of plates slathered with foods: roast chickens stuffed with fennel and garlic, generous sides of rosemary-roasted potatoes, quiche lorraine, cordon bleu lemon salmon, lamb shanks, veal with blackberry sauce, chicken wellington, stuffed flounder, spears of baguettes bristling from baskets hanging from his arms and neck, steam rising from bowls of mushroom and sherry soup, tomato florentine soup, lobster bisque, delicate trays of cheeses--stiltons, gruyere, livarot, and roncal; bottles of port, chardonnay, beaujolais, sherry; chilled desserts: creme brules, chocolate raspberry brioche, eclairs, white chocolate mint torte. Walking by, gets goosed on the ass by a fat, 82-year old widow heiress wearing a scandalously low cut blue dress and a Philip Treacy hat, but the waiter maintains his composure and his balance.
But then, Sauvage, the pet monkey Madame Derange purchased while on vacation in Botswana (also the restaurant's good luck charm and mascot) swings in on a chandalier and punches the poor bastard in the nuts. An involuntary electric jolt to his muscles and the waiter helplessly hurls the tremendous tray of gourmet foods like an discus. The tray hits the ceiling of the restaurant with a thunderous crash, raining down its menu on the startled patrons. The sight of mangled remnants of poached squid soup drippling down from her husband's toupee, makes poor Dame Magen make a dash for the ladies' room, but in her rush, she manages to topple over the lit candelabra which quickly sets fire to the tablecloth.

But then Tony Danza comes in and puts out the fire. Then Joseph Stalin enters stage left in drag and sings "Love for Sale."
****
ummm...don't know what that was all about.
****
Getting out those names and numbers, shoving out those thoughts, throwing fire around//then//swallow it down, curl the wet tongue around the flame.
Rivers, rivers of thought, Nile, Seine, Danube, St. Lawrence, Volga, Rhine, Indus, Tigris, pouring down the systems, drifting about the Ganges, sinking, always sinking.
Underwater, the saxophone sounds a flurry of bubbles, clicks of the valves.
Thoughts a blurred mess, a compilation of refuse.
Shuttling into the key, rattling the keys, walking down the Quay, sitting on the end of the dock in the sunshine.

I cannot produce you.
I refuse to continue in this state of mind:

Distraction and Ambivalence are my twin patron goddesses tonight. I light incense in their temples.

August 26th 12:43

A starved dog's gnaw, grinding below the ribs. Exposing the innards, revealing obscured emotions. What is the source of rage? Lack of sleep, neglect, inconsistency, power dynamics both real and perceived, excessive pressure. But enough of that bitter note, that one grey key.
I hate this so far. Start again:
Boo baw bey. Mo ma mey. (warming the jowels of the mouth) Oooo aaaa eeee. Loosening the strained muscles of the text, massaging the words out. Feel the tension flowing out of the page, leaving widening space, a true home of an alphabet in a flux of infinite combinations.
Industriousness, building upon quiet. Shuddering on lightning (get it right, get it right), the door, the wall, the ceiling, left right up down, positioning, fitting, structure (and putting myself within it, tying myself down with cord, hair, memories thinking). I am motionless, with a glint in the eye. I swing the object, I change the atmosphere. The beach, any beach, dawn, dusk, waking, tricks/trickery, a growl, a battle, a shout. Everything is in play, the roulette wheel (Les jeux sont fait!) . A reflection, a reminder, production, a dance in the dark, alone, touching the cold lightbulbs, turning the faucets on and off all night--breathing from the tap. With the grim studiousness of death, seeking, gnawing, scratching, digging, finding at last a bottom, the slip of the bathtub, the fear under the water, the slap of waves, a delicate pastry.

Throw this down the well.
Never retrieve it.

Friday August 25th 4:22am awake can't sleep.

Protraction of my waking hours, my head clogged with junk. The sounds outside my window, the snoring of the dogs, the parade in my head, boom boom. What is the meaning of all this dancing (one two three four one two three four)? This is a contest i cannot win, i drop to the floor, exhausted, feet sore, but i pass through, keep falling, the floor was never there. The number pinned to my shirt comes undone, flutters, a dead bird. Insentient.

Look up. In every window, you will see a stranger. One sweeping the floor, one smoking a cigarette, one speaking on the phone, one daydreaming, one kissing another, one playing solitaire, one eating a meal, one checking the weather, one contemplating jumping, one waiting for a knock or a letter, one dressing, another undressing. Lights on, lights off, hiding in the dark, peering out into the honk and squawk of the street below. Voices, the sound of city, a humming fan. Peering out the window, peering in the window. The eye exists to see.

But the eyelids exist to close.

August 24. 12:52 am.

Counting all the way up to the shadowy light out in the fields. Numbers, shouting them out, but can't see who's out there listening. There's movement out there, but too dark. There's strange noises out there. The lamplight doesn't reach out that far. But that light reaches me, inspects me. I shudder and hurry indoors. I lock all the doors and pull the pistol out of the box in the closet. I check the doors again while I load it. I sleep delicately, paranoid dreaming.
The light is calling. The fields are empty.
****
A staunch building, facades frowning. A sense of mis-placed territories, and obsolete cartography. A map caught in the wind blows by, gobbled up by the foreign geography. The sun beating down, blocking all passage. A hand traces a line to follow, and you obey, willingly. Eventually night comes and you still are lost, and your companion has become silent, since time seals all lips inevitably. A magic word, and back in the sunshine, light breeze, perfect day, back in time. Lips are alive again, mumbling false and idiot hopes. Performing a sculpture in the naked air with your hands, the stroke of a hip and torso, the rounded shell of a shoulder. You spread your fingers, and the body is faded, but I still see it hanging in the air. It will always remain there. When I walk past, ten years later, it will recognize me and extend its arm, make a sign. Ten years for a sign.
*****
The grass, in the morning there is the grass, damp, soaking up the sounds of night; now a silence bound to the sunrise, quiet. What is sunlight on my cheek, the brush of a flower pedal, a fruit picked? The scurry of life, the pad of wings, is everything there? May I open this gift, loosen the bow, tear away the vestmental robes? What is human instinct? What is the body saying? Translate the message of the lungs, the liver, the heart. What does the stomach want to say? Is it all inside or coming inward? Is it all chemicals or something a bit more human? Are we chemistry in play? Remembering ashtanga, forgetting ashtanga, how did it work?
The echo of something in the air, a familar scent, chemical.
The record skips, and i lift the needle.
I place it down somewhere near you, and the melody traces your shape, lifting with your breath. You are sleeping and so are you.
I stay awake and think, playing that song over and over.

Tuesday August 22nd 12:27am

Je veux voir un visage parce que je ne peux pas regarder mon visage.
He shakes his fist at you: don't you have the courage to speak? This is not a fist of violence, but rather one of reckoning. How does one settle an account? Who scribbles what where on which ledger? Credit or debit? Are the lights dim in the dingy office that makes these claims for you? How many clerks at work? How many gone mad or blind from the flickering candles you provide? Who will stand up to your stinginess (who will fend off yr stings?)? Je veux vous maudire mais je ne peux pas. That is a language I cannot engage my tongue with. Mouth is the home of appetite.
Trouvez une langue qui sent.
****
The puddles in the street expand, making it smooth at last. The whole world, for a while, smooth, glassy, sealed, enveloped for the anthropologist's gaze. I cannot say I know the man walking down the street. I have never seen that umbrella before. It's odd the way it moves beneath these grey skies, threatening it. What kind of grasp does that hand claim? Where does the wet go? Does the rain avoid his flesh? Does the skin shrink, do the clouds ever desist? Without the sun there are no signs that mention you. Skies, junk, hanging.
The way the torso moves in the studio. The upward rise of the arms and the trail of the shoulders. Then, the sun on those same curves, making everything so sharp. Play it over and over again in your mind, it can all be designed however you'd like it. Play it, play those games, pass the time on this overcast day: watch, gaze, be an anthropologist, just for a while, play that role for me.
****
---"Un mouvement. Une action. Je m'étire hors de mes bras comme je ratisse des feuilles."
Is anything tidier? Is this pulling towards or organizing outwards? Where are the piles hidden? Who will hide the smokes when the cleaning fires begin? We can see the signs rising from the other side of the mountains. Two to the west, one larger one to the east, burning darker, blacker. Burning something too foreign to ignition. A reflection of smoke in the stream that never received a name. Clouds sinking downwards into a stoney shallow. He picks up a stone from the waters and gives it to her. She smiles, but not too much: her family's blood is calloused with caution. The wet stone has her shape, worn down in the same way. A breeze tucks a strand of her hair across her face. He notices. The smokes across the mountains and right here among them. They walk together.
*****
The spot, where the neck meets the turn of the jawbone, all in orbit below the ear, circling. With sleep comes dreaming: la bella confusione.

Does anyone dare write anything to challenge me here?

Saturday August 19th 2:52am and mildly drunk

Where are the levels at? Stepping outside, cool breeze across cheek, breaking spider web across my chest, proving nothing. Rocking, the waters, rocking, i let my hand drift off the edge of the gunnels and it traces my path in the water. The waters remember and help me home. Will the sun show the way in the morning? Will it ever show its face again? I wonder if i could see the turning of the spheres, understand their meaning. I want to shout to the stars, pass on a message that will hang in time, for eternity. Hanging upside down, never falling, the pressure on the eyes and cheeks, knowing a drop is imminent. Up, down goes the rocking horse. Who is trampling whom? Whose voice is penetrating the amplifier's skin? Can i chop thru a blocked road? His fingers attempt to calm themselves; he knows patience is in order.
And what is science? and what is art but the shocking neglect of everything else? Describe a transgression: what did one speak to the other. How do two shapes meet into one. The sounds of strings: cello, two violins--stretching out something that suggests hand-written script. The experiences come first, blind, wild, sharp; understanding comes after, enlightening, dull, nullifying.
The bottle on the table, empty, spinning, making a face in all directions. My blood is full, cold, and absent. What is the tragectory of blindness, madness, cruelty, dishonesty, shame, desire, sadness. Is the hair cool? Is the skin warm? Arrangement, may I have that right at least in their words? Repeating, again and again until it is right. Touch, repeated until perfect.
Waking, what is the sun like? Where does it enter? Is it closed off or welcomed in?
Is there any sleep to produce a waking? What are the sounds in your street below? Was it ever there?
I swear that it is gone while you sleep.
Counts on its fingers the ways to keep quiet.